ImPerfect Blog

A Guilty Conscious Attracts Punishment (chapter 3)

Chapter 3:

Wrong.  I am wrong.

Wrong [rawng,rong]  
    (adjective)

  • Acting or judging in error
  • Not correct
  • Not functioning properly
  • Mistaken
  • Unsuitable or undesirable

I am wrong.

I am. The words used in the Bible to describe the name of god.
“. . . I AM THAT I AM. . .” (Exodus 3:14)

Sacred words, I am.

I am [am; unstressed uh m, m]
    (verb)

  • First person singular present
  • Indicative of be

I am wrong.

I believed these words. I believed I was wrong.

No, I knew I was wrong.

Believe [bih-leev]  
(verb)

  • Be confident about
  • Accept as true
  • To judge

Know [noh]
(verb)

  • Be aware of the truth of something or regard as true beyond any doubt
  • Have first hand knowledge of status, situations, emotions, or sensations
  • Have fixed in the mind
  • Be cognizant of a fact

Yes, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I AM WRONG.

My knowledge, my experiences, my emotions tell me so. The facts I am presented with tell me so. It is more than a theory I accept as true. It is more than an idea I am confident about. I have proof, through experience. I know it. I am wrong.

I am wrong. I have used undesirable words, timing, actions, and tone of voice, to communicate with my husband. I sometimes am incorrect. He points out when I use a word, possibly what I saw as a synonym, yet not the exact word when questioning something or someone.

guiltyattractspunishment

When we would recall a situation I would describe what happened, how I saw it. He described it as he saw it. He asked me to “Prove” that what I saw happened. I couldn’t.

Prove [proov]
(verb)

  • Establish the validity of something as by an explanation or experiment
  • Provide evidence for
  • Be shown to be found to be

I would provide evidence. I would provide the explanation, yet, to him that ‘proved’ nothing.

He wanted me to demonstrate the TRUTH or existence of something, in this case my perspective, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I couldn’t.

Perspective [per-spek-tiv]
(noun)

  • Particular attitude toward something
  • A point of view

Perspective is innately unique. By definition perspective is something that belongs to the individual. It is not something that can be judged good or bad, right or wrong.

It is a person’s right to have a perspective, but my perspective was not validated nor acceptable. it felt as if I wasn’t worthy of existing. I was confused.

I didn’t know how to exist in a world where what I thought, how I thought, how I viewed the world was invisible.

This tearing away at my voice and my value lead me to utter devastation. In desolation, I was alone in my mind and heart. I had no one to validate my worth; no one to remind me of my gifts. No external validation that showed me I was courageous and brave. That I was indeed creative, caring and kind.

No one told me I was important.

Isolation is considered the worst form of torture. I was in isolation in the midst of living what appeared to be a “Normal” life.

I was crushed by grief. I felt depressed and desolate soul, barren, bleak, ruined, vacant and ravaged.

Isolation is the feeling of being alone. Completely alone. It is trying to play tug of war by yourself. It is having a conversation alone. Trying to play with no playmate.

It didn’t matter if I was physically alone or amongst a crowd of people. I felt completely alone. I especially felt alone in my marriage. The relationship that was supposed to be a strong foundation in my life.

I wasn’t honored.

Dignity [dig-ni-tee]
(noun)

  • One's innate state of being worthy

Worthy [wur-th ee]
(adj)

  • Being honorable or admirable
  • Having value
  • Having qualities of abilities that merit recognition in some way
  • Desirable

I lost the people in my life who were the reflections that let me know I was indeed a worthy unique gifted individual.

I don’t think loneliness is just in your head. Loneliness is not being dissatisfied with your spouse or your lover, or friend, unless that is a chronic condition. Loneliness is the desire for intimacy.

Intimacy [Into–me-you see]

  • Intimacy is a reflection of yourself in another.

We are not able to see ourselves. We need mirrors. We need other people to act as mirrors so that we can know who we are.

My world had shrunk so far in that my husband was my only mirror.

In the reflection of our relationship, it was as though I was living in a house of mirrors at the circus. The mirror was wacky. One moment it gave me a big belly and no neck. Another moment I'd find I was super skinny, as though I hadn’t eaten in 3 weeks and a light breeze might blow me over. Then I turned around to find that I looked only 2 feet tall.

As soon as I tried to get myself looking good in one mirror, my husband would shift and a new mirror would appear before me with different configuration, distorting me in a new and unflattering way. I’d arch my back stick out my leg and suck in my gut.

It was exhausting to keep trying to keep up. I wasn’t sure who I was or what I truly looked like anymore. I just felt lost.

What I didn't see in the mirrors was my heart, but who can see a heart in a mirror anyway? You have to feel your heart and my heart always told me to leave the 'fun house'. I didn't listen. I was determined to arrange the mirrors and find myself within that wobbly world. I committed myself to this.

I felt wrong and guilty. Guilty for not being able to get it right. And by get it right I mean, I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make either of us happy. We fought a lot. It wasn't fun exchanging poison like we did. I began to loathe myself because I was so ashamed.

Guilty conscious [gil-tee kon-shuh s]
(noun)

  • Remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense

Guilty [gil-tee]
(adjective)

  • Responsible for or chargeable with a reprehensible act
  • Showing a sense of guilt (i.e. Shame)

If I was indeed guilty, then punished was justified.

Punish [puhn-ish]
(verb)

  • Inflict a penalty on
  • Cause pain for some offense

The punishment I endured was a relentless barrage of foul words that tore me to pieces and shattered my gentleness. The punishment I stayed around to face was a life void of joy and completely empty of emotional safety. We had no laughter, no real love.

I wasn’t ever hit, but the bruises in my mind remained tender a few years after the divorce.

Why did I stay when I could have left anytime? What was keeping me so locked into this dark cycle?

Standing in the kitchen, unable to move, I knew I needed to change. Or maybe I just knew something needed to change. I didn't yet recognize it was mine to do. I was still looking outside of myself for answers, but this was the first moment I began to look inward.