ImPerfect Blog

Enough. (chapter 11)

I have had enough. I am enough.

After the ordeal at the hospital, with CPS, I knew I HAD to change or else I would lose my son again. It's the hard blessing that came out of the hell I lived through, losing my son for those few days. I knew I never wanted to do that again. I must change. I must stand in my truth.

I was empowered though. Knowing that I had lived through my greatest fear and surviving it. I thought I would die, but I did not. I was about to kill off a part of myself that believed another person's intent, words, or actions could mold me into what I am not. I knew I could no longer bend to another's request that I betray myself. I could no longer lie in order to serve another. I could no longer act as if someone, somehow had magical powers over me. I knew they did not. 

I was no longer willing to bend my integrity to become what another person demand me to be. I knew I HAD to stand in my truth. I just didn't yet know what my truth was. 

I knew I wanted to love. I knew I wanted to be loved in return. I knew I appreciated kindness and I still wanted to become health and know inner peace. What is my truth? And how do I stand in it alway, in all way? Is this faith? I felt confused. 

Flashback September 2012

It was late about 10:00 when Ed showed up at my door. He walked straight in as if he owned the place. His aura followed him like a trial of smoke, but this time he was steaming in anger. I was scared. I'd never seen him angry before. 

Jacob was still up, I his room but restless, he still wasn't sleeping well. Ed started in on me as soon as he walked in.

"Why did you show up at the restaurant today?" he spewed.

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"You came in today with that look on your face. I just can't take it! You know not everyone there knows about us. You can't do that! They'll know." he continued. 

"I don't understand" I replied. "You said people knew about us. "

"Some do, not not everyone." he said again, the air around him still billowing. "I can't believe you'd come in like that."

"I was concerned about you. You hadn't called in 2 days." I tried to explain. "i wasn't angry. I was con..."

"You were too angry. You had an angry face." He continued interrupting me mid sentence. 

Just then Jacob walked into the kitchen. It didn't phase Ed as he continued to tell me how angry I had been and how badly I had acted.  

I turned to Jacob as Ed continued complaining about how I'd come to see him and how I showed up angry. 

As I was tending to my son, this man got up and walked to the door, opened it and walked out. 

He didn't say another word to me. 

He got in his car and left. 

Realizing he was leaving, I followed him outside, asking him to give me a moment. The cold, hard ground on my bare feet was an echo of the way my hear felt, as I stood on the walkway watching his taillights fade. He turned the corner and just like that, Ed was gone.

I stood there stunned. I had no idea how this had come to pass. It was like a blow to my chest. I was torn apart and ripped wide open. WHY!!! WHY WHY WHY? Why did he leave? Why had he been so mad? Why had he blamed me for his anger? Why was my so called 'angry face' a deal breaker? Why wouldn't he give me the respect of a conversation? Was he really gone? Did that really just happen? Was he going to come back? What did I do? Is he going to call me?  Did he just break up with me? What was that all about?

I was full of questions and had no answers. All I could do was walk inside and help Jacob to bed. The next morning I woke to a hollow feeling on my chest. I knew it, he was gone. He wasn't coming back. I would have heard from him last night. Ed had walked out on me.

I had been abandoned. And immediately the relationship that had me feeling worthwhile, like things were gong to be ok for me, as though some one might care for me, had me feel worthless in the matter of milliseconds.

Our relationship had been the bandaid over the raw wound where my heart had not yet healed. His leaving It left me exposed and his word of anger, blaming me for the break up, were like salt in a raw wound. All my fault, he told me, jus like ex had always said. And suddenly I realized I felt just like I had when I was married. Exposed, unsafe, raw withered and lost. 

What was so wrong with me? Why can't I find a good man? I am a kind and loving person, maybe too kind and loving. I don't deserve this bullshit. My thoughts raged on for weeks and I felt every drop of resentment and sadness that had built up over a decade with my ex. I was safe enough to feel, and those feelings overwhelmed me time and time again.