What do I do now?
It was the question on my mind. I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going. I felt like a panicked child who had lost her mother in the grocery store. Sacred that she'll never ever find her mom again, thinking she will be stuck there forever because she has no idea how to get home. I was completely lost and clueless.
I didn't know how to put my life back together, when it was in the midst of being torn apart. I had jumped out of my marriage without a plan, without anything but faith in the little voice that always told me "no". Yet it never told me where my "Yes" was!
I was swimming in uncertainty, and hoping to catch bits of faith to keep me afloat. All I knew was that I faced an unknown future, and that terrified me. I wanted to land in certainty, but nothing was certain, even my identity was up for grabs.
I had two ways to look at myself:
One was not very flattering:
Victim of domestic abuse
Living with parents
The other didn’t look too shabby:
I was searching for my new identity and both realties seemed to be true at the same time. So who was I?
I had not yet become who I wanted to become. I did not have a plan for my life. I didn’t know what was next. I had a guiding vision. I want to find peace. I had a mission to get healthy.
I didn’t know how that would happen. And things got worse before they got better. I could simply take life one moment at a time. Step by small step. Sometimes feeling like I wasn't making any progress at all.
Soon bottled up emotions I had never allowed myself the space to feel for a decade, came pouring out of me. I couldn't handle myself like I used to. I couldn't fake being happy anymore. If I was sad I was sad and it showed. And i felt it. All of it.
Messy, emotional and not he verge of tears most of the time, I resigned my job. I had no income. I was reliant on the generosity of my parents for shelter and money for gas and childcare. I received inconsistent child support from my ex as he dealt with job transitions and urgent unexpected bills.
I was frustrated with my reliance on others but had no control over it. I simply couldn’t handle working, taking care of my son, divorcing and healing at the same time. Something had to give, and it was my work that seemed like the least of the priorities at the time. I choose what was priceless over what was important and work was important but not necessary for my survival, at least not at the moment.
I didn’t like being reliant on my family. I always thought of myself as independent woman and now I was receiving money for basic needs. I went to the state for help. I applied for WIC and food stamps. I tried to get welfare support, but lived with my parents who made too much money, so I didn’t qualify.
I wanted to feel attractive. I wanted to be desired. I wanted to find the love that would save me from all this uncertainty and pain. Being a romantic I love the idea of being someone's one and only love. I knew I had a soulmate, if only I could find him, that certainly would bring me joy. Perhaps then I wouldn't have to face all this uncertainty. I'd know love. A month and a half after my separating from my ex I was desperate for love, and desperate love found me.
Flashback June 2012
I walked in the restaurant a bit apprehensive. I didn't get many nights out. I was alone, which meant I was going out just for me. I had my journal in one hand and I had a plan to sit and sip and maybe write a bit if the mood hit.
I purchased my tea from Charley, the shop owner, who I had come to know. I would see him once a week, when I would enjoy a quiet moment alone like this at Destiny Cafe. I even loved the name of the place. Charley reminded me of Ben Kingsley, in the movie Ghandi. I imagined he held some deep, mysterious, spiritual truth he might bestows on me over some iced chai tea, come to find out he just like flirting with the young girls.
This particular night the small downtown was bustling with people in town for the local rodeo. Suddenly, "He" walked through the door; tall, dark and handsome. He and an aura that seems to follow him like smoke from a fire.
This man made quite an entrance, pretending to be an inspector, looking for Charley the shop owner, saying the place needed to be shut down due to code violations. Soon they laughed and hugged as thought old friends, it was all a joke.
Then a local musician who was hanging out in the cafe started playing, people got up to dance and this man looked at me with his dark eyes and offered his hand to me.
"Do you want to dance?" he asked, in a subtle accent.
"Why Yes", I replied as I took his hand, giddy with excitement.
I love to dance, but hadn't danced in years. My ex never danced, at all, not even at our wedding. And this man knew how to dance. We didn't just sway back and forth, he had some moves, like the couples dancing my grandparents used to do in the 20's when there were dance cards and events for such activities. Oh, how I love dancing.
After the song this man took my hand and lead me to the cafe bar and bought me a glass of wine. He asked about me and seemed genuiley interested, the way he kept eye contact as I answered his questions.
I liked the attention. I was pretty sure no one would want to date woman who was divorcing. I was down right certain there was no one in the world who would want to date a single mom with no job.
No one will be interested in me. There is nothing attractive about me. I told myself. Yet this man was not phased. I was sure the moment I told him kid + divorce he'd turn the other way and run out the door, but he stayed and I felt myself falling, hard and fast.
We had a great eventing, dancing, making friends with everyone in the place. It was a magical evening, like a scene from a movie. I knew it was special and it felt monumental.
"Can I walk you to your car?" the man asked, as we walked outside together.
"Sure" I said, little did he know, my car was only about 10 feet from the entrance.
"I'm right here" I said.
"Oh" he laughed. "So can I call you? I'd like to see you again" He said.
"I'd really like that" I exclaimed, in no way hiding my excitement.
We exchanged numbers and I drove home full of hope. And I thought, Maybe this is it. Maybe he's the one!